Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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