The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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