the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
