can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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