News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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