wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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