im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
