It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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