Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
