The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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