So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
