is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Four minutes until I can fart!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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