Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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