Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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