I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
