Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
