I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
