My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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