Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
