new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
