I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
