I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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