wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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