SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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