i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
