Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
