i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
