Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Your cock deserves a montage
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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