Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
