you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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