i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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