Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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