Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize