kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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