then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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