: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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