he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
