just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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