Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
