It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
