Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I can't put those talents on a resume
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
