I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
