So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
