She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
