what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
