you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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