I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
