if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
false alarm. still invincible.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
