Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
