and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
