so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
