i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
