Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
