I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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