A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
