My first STD was from a foam party
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
