I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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