Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
