the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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