So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
