There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
