I heard we made out
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The adults are the big ones right?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
